Bitterness of Heart

"My wounds are foul and festering, the result of my own folly. I am bowed and brought to my knees, I go mourning all the day long. ... O Lord, you know all my longing: my groans are not hidden from you. My heart throbs, my strength is spent; the very light has gone from my eyes." - Psalm 38: 5-6 & 9-10 (Penitential Psalm)

Prayer: Lord, all our days are known to You, our days of rejoicing and our days of lament. Let not our joys puff us up beyond You, or our sorrows cast us out of Your presence. Help us to look to You in times of joy, to see You and give You thanks and praise and again help us to turn to you in times of suffering and lament that our hearts do not turn bitter. Keep us hopeful and trusting in You in good times and in bad. Amen.

Bitterness of Heart

Our first reading today comes from Genesis and we hear about how Joseph the dreamer's own brothers sell him into slavery out of the bitterness of their own hearts. Perhaps our hearts break in hearing the sad story of how he was sold for 20 pieces of silver instead of being murdered. We could ask of the brothers what was the source of their bitterness? How did their hearts become bitter?

Scripture tells us, "Israel loved Joseph best of all his sons, for he was the child of his old age; and he had made him a long tunic." So, in consideration of his brother's, it is not that they are unloved, it is just that it is clear who their father loves the best. Scripture does not tell us that they thought their father loved Joseph best of all, but clearly what Israel thought and did.

This was the hardship that Israel's first wife, Leah, bore as well. Jacob loved Rachel and wanted to marry her, but was deceived by Laban and married Leah first before Rachel. The first child to be born was Reuben. Leah gave this name to him because, "because the LORD looked upon [her] affliction; [and she thought:] surely now my husband will love me." (Gn 29:32b) Then Leah again bore a son, but named him Simeon, "Because the LORD has heard that [she] is hated, He [gave her] this son also." (Gn 29:33) Leah had a third son and named him, Levi, because she was hopeful and thought, "Now this time my husband will be joined to me, because I bore him three sons." (Gn 29:34) Then she finally stopped trying to please her husband and had a 4th son whom she called, Judah, "This time I praise the LORD." (Gn 29:35) And all the while Rachel was barren.

Eventually came the day that Rachel had a son Joseph, the wife whom Israel loved and now the Son whom he loved. 

When we look to the history, we see the deceit of Jacob with his father Isaac. Then Laban's deceit with Jacob, at the expense of his daughter Leah. And the sons growing up in all of this. 

Perhaps you can imagine how bitterness of heart would have grown in the hearts of Joseph's brothers, that it rose to the point that seeing him walking toward them, they would plot to kill him, that is all but Reuben who perhaps being the oldest had other sympathies and incites that prevented him from being so bitter.

The point that I want to lead us to is to see that we should want to resolve our own hearts, that we do not carry bitterness in our own hearts. To see the chain of events and fallout that can result when we interact with other people out of our own bitterness. Rather than having people feel our wrath at unresolved bitterness we should seek to find peace of soul even in difficulties. In doing this we do not compound wounds in the world.

One suggestion that I have is to learn from the example of prayer in scripture, from the prophets and the psalms. Many of their prayers express the depth of emotion. Their hearts, their experiences are opened and laid bare before God. They let God come and love them even in these dire moments. Learning from this, as Christians, we do not want to deny our feelings, but let God meet us in the depths of our hearts. That we see that His love is even there. Here are a few brief examples: 

Psalm 69:5 - "I am wearied with all my crying, my throat is parched. My eyes are wasted away from looking for my God."

Jeremiah 14:17 - "Let my eyes stream with tears day and night, without rest, over the great destruction which overwhelms the virgin daughter of my people, over her incurable wound."

Psalm 119:145 - "I call with all my heart; Lord, hear me."

Psalm 102:4 - "For my days are vanishing like smoke, my bones burn away like a fire. My heart is withered like grass. I forget to eat my bread. I cry with all my strength and my skin clings to my bones."

Psalm 88 - "They surround me all the day like a flood, they assail me all together. Friend and neighbor you have taken away: my one companion is darkness."

1 Kings 19:4 - "It is enough; now, O LORD, take my life; for I am no better than my fathers."

Moses in Numbers 11:11-15, “Why do you treat your servant so badly?” Moses asked the Lord. “Why are you so displeased with me that you burden me with all this people? Was it I who conceived all this people? or was it I who gave them birth, that you tell me to carry them at my breast, like a nurse carrying an infant, to the land you have promised under oath to their fathers? Where can I get meat to give to all this people? For they are crying to me, ‘Give us meat for our food.’ I cannot carry all this people by myself, for they are too heavy for me. If this is the way you will deal with me, then please do me the favor of killing me at once, so that I need no longer face my distress.”

 

So, for you the key is to see the Lord, be present to Him as you pray, and then give God the space to reply and love you in your brokenness. They you will hopefully avoid bitterness of heart that spoils you and your other relationships.

May God richly bless you!

-Fr. Jeremy

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